Childhood Obesity
BARELY a week goes by without headlines shouting out warnings about the increase in childhood obesity. In a recent national survey of more than 19 thousand school age children one in four were either overweight or obese leading the authors of the survey to conclude that the figures ‘confirm the emergence of the obesity epidemic among children in Ireland’.
But where are we all going wrong? This must leave many parents feeling tied up in knots because we all know what puts weight on and what doesn’t. However this knowledge is not preventing obesity figures from rising, so what can parents do? Speaking as a parent of a very overweight little boy called Sam I found my solution to be the opposite of conventional wisdom.
I’d tried the controlling method as you might expect, but all that happened is he gained more weight. I never mentioned the word ‘diet’ but talked to him of healthy food. I never put the usual rubbish in my shopping trolley some other parents can fill up with impunity. No crisps, cakes or snacks or sugary drinks, no biscuits much to the chagrin of my husband, (Sam’s stepdad) who loved a Digestive with his cuppa. Yet Sam’s weight kept creeping up.
We took to him to all the clubs; hurling, football, soccer but as the token fat kid on the team he wasn’t very good and he hated going. At the rugby summer camp we sent him to the coach just gave up with him. He told me, “Sam’s a lovely child, he’ll wander up and ask after my wife and children and start chatting away, anything to avoid running around!”. I often took him swimming but felt so sad for him as other children threw themselves around the pool with gay abandon, often passing sniggering comments and judgemental looks his way. All Sam could do was bob up and down in the deep end, bogged down by baggy puffed out shorts and a sopping wet t-shirt he refused to take off. Sport wasn’t working.
I tried even more control, because he was getting fattening food from somewhere, we closely monitored his pocket money and where it went. I told the parents of all his friends never to give him sweets and crisps and other rubbish, he had a healthy chocolate free lunch box and yet he still gained weight. Wafer thin parents of wraith like children clucked comments such as, ‘cut out snacks and he’ll lose weight’, or ‘put less food on his plate’, as if we hadn’t thought of that. I just didn’t know where I was going wrong. He loved food and would wolf down his dinner in a matter of seconds. I often caught him in the fridge looking for something to put in his mouth, anything would do.
Then one day I was doing a major spring clean on his room and pulled back his bed and just froze in shock. It was strewn with empty packets of biscuits, family size crisp packets, bumper bars of chocolate wrappings. I was horrified, all that secret eating, just what was going on and where did he find the money? I think I realised then that he had a food addiction and would do anything to feed it. So I sought professional help. First stop was the GP who confirmed the obvious, Sam was obese and he wanted us to see the dietician. This was an academic exercise as we all know that pizzas and burgers are fattening and I mainly cooked lean meats with salad or veg.
But we insisted on seeing a child psychologist. We found out that Sam was very resourceful at raising money, he rented out his comics in his lunch breaks to raise money. He also bought packets of cheap toys like cars or stink bombs and then sold them individually for profit. With the money he bought the junk food. The child psychologist we went to helped me to see how over protective I was, how much I did for him. I had to let go and let him grow up. With Sam constantly scratching around in the kitchen we had thought about chaining up the kitchen door but the psychologist told us we needed to help Sam live normally and do it for himself.
We focused more on family life than his diet and I was surprised to realise how unconfident he was. His preoccupation with food started soon after his father had moved abroad to work, because although we’d already split up he was used to seeing his dad. Food seemed to help him cope with the loss and as he was dyspraxic, he struggled more than most with sport and school. To help with this we got him more support at school so he coped better with lessons and at home I backed off completely from his eating habits.
Food addiction or compulsive overeating can affect any family, no matter what their circumstances but what one paediatric psychiatrist, Christian Eggers, says on the subject may come as a surprise to some parents. In a report published in the Scientific American Mind called Through A Glass Darkly the director of the Paediatric and Child Psychiatry Clinic in Germany wrote: ‘Although eating disorders occur in all kinds of families, those affected often share certain traits. They are typically well situated and well educated, and to the outside world appear to function harmoniously. Frequently, however the children feel tremendous pressure to excel, the parents set high standards, and negative emotions such as anger or jealousy are suppressed. In keeping with these high standards, people with eating disorders strive to be model students or, as adults, to lead perfect lives. Even so, they usually feel that they never measure up.”
He goes on to say that parental nurturing leads to a good relationship which is balanced between security and independence. Yet studies show that 30 percent of children lack such a relationship. He says without feeling safe and accepted, these children are at risk of falling into an addictive cycle involving food or other substances.
Francesca Creffield, a Relate counsellor who has worked with families on weight issues, believes parents should focus on themselves more and lay off the child. She says, “These days lifestyles have changed so much. As a child I was out all day playing with friends, but now if my daughter was out all day I would feel very negligent. Kids do have a more sedentary lifestyle which is causing weight problems. Virtually all children have access to computer games and DVD’s. But rather than nag children about what to eat and to get more exercise parents should lead by example. Kids take much more notice of what you do rather than what you say. If you go for a bike ride, chances are your child will follow suit, if you go for a swim or a walk they may well come with you. Take the focus off them - and therefore the pressure - and focus on your own behaviour and eating habits. It may take time but everyone will be happier and healthier as a result.”
Author Abby Ellin who wrote about her weight struggles in Teenage Waistland, How Parents Can (and Can’t) Help agrees. She says the family dynamic has to change in order to help your child with permanent weight loss. “Its imperative parents confront their own issues with food and weight before attempting to help their child with these issues. If they are conflicted themselves how can they help anyone else? There is no easy quick fix, it is very hard going, and takes enormous effort, persistence and tolerance.” She advises parents to focus on encouraging the child to do things they enjoy rather than obsessing on weight or calorie intake. Accepting your child the way he/she is is very important according to Abby as it fosters self love and self acceptance, which is the key to change. “Shame and humiliation as motivators never work,” she says.
These days I try not to comment on Sam’s eating habits, which is incredibly hard. Sometimes he buys chips from the chipper and eats them from the wrapper and I have to bite my tongue and it appears to be working. He has shot up in height and hasn’t gained more weight. It has been a long slow process of letting go of trying to control his food and many other aspects of his life. But now he is far happier and fitter and at the end of the day those are the two most important things for any man, woman or child to be.
Teenage Waistland: A Former Fat Kid Weighs in on Living Large, Losing Weight and How Parents Can (and Can't) Help. By Abby Ellin, publisher Public Affairs