Relight the Fire - have a row!
A RECENT survey tells us that the divorce rate is going up again and the marriage rate is going down. Why is it that so many of us fail in this area of relationships? Arguments! That's what keeps the spark alive, so says relationship counsellor and author Andrew G Marshall. "It's not the similarities that keep a relationship going," he says, "but the differences. That's what we're attracted to in our partners and if we give way to each other all the time we loose that spark and may also build up resentments as a result." Andrew is on a mission to help people understand love and to point out the everyday habits they think protect a relationship but which actually undermine it.
His recent book I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (Bloomsbury £8.99) tackles these issues and many others facing modern couples. When clients turned up in his therapy room with this statement he looked for books in this area and found none. "I found couples often presented with this problem thinking that they have become best mates or like brother and sister and that wasn't what they wanted in a relationship. It's a painful dilemma because the person who had fallen out of love didn't want to hurt their partner but they did feel they wanted to end the relationship. I wanted to spread the word that falling out of love does not mean the end of a relationship."
So he did the research and wrote the book himself. He says not everyone used the exact phrase, which he endearingly abbreviates to ILYB syndrome, but all understood the sentiments. "When I looked to the professional literature I found it dominated by couples who despise each other but there was nothing about couples who didn't love enough." In his book he lists seven steps to a healthy relationship with step two placing the emphasis on arguing. He says: "It is impossible to have a fully satisfactory relationship without conflict; avoiding arguments can prevent true loving. Relationships need friction; it is the grit in the oyster that makes the pearl and your differences that provide the love interest." It is fascinating to learn that the qualities that drew me to my partner are the ones that with ultimately really get on my nerves. It also shocks me to learn that we are drawn to our emotional equals. I always thought I was the emotionally intelligent one - I can talk about 'taking responsibility', 'projection' and 'co-dependency'. My husband talks about football, Top Gear and money. Andrew says: "Every couple has individual strengths and weakness, in effect equals will always attract. It's a difficult philosophy to take in, but it's a fact."
Andrew set up a research project asking all couples who came to him seeking help to fill in a questionnaire. This looked at the common problems that had brought them in to therapy. He was surprised by the results. He found that 47% of couples claimed the passion had gone from their relationship and 43% declared 'I love my partner but I'm not in love with them'. More typical problems such as money issues or children came in much lower at 24% and 19% respectively. Surprisingly only 21% were there as a result of an affair. "It appears to me that the problem of ILYB is epidemic in modern relationships perhaps because we now demand much more for ourselves then just reasonable companionship."
Andrew also found that those couples who ticked the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' option were less likely to tick the 'we argue too much' box. These couples acknowledged they found it difficult to understand each other's viewpoint but they refused to argue and the issues seethed under the surface instead. There may be many reasons for this, but he says this is dangerous for a relationship: "Ultimately it is as harmful to seldom row as it is to row all the time. When someone can not truly voice their feelings the relationship cools. Slowly over the years, degree by degree, all emotions are dulled."
An inability to 'be yourself' is another common problem in relationships today; otherwise referred to as 'does-loving-you-mean-losing-me?' syndrome. This comes about as couples nowadays want to be friends as well as lovers. It can result in them growing more like each other and then complaining of feeling trapped and losing their identity. "When there is so much pressure to be everything to each other, to share friends and even tastes, there is little room to be an individual as well as one half of a couple." Through his research Andrew believes he has found a method that could save these I love you but... relationships which could also help couples achieve a much deeper level of intimacy and a truly satisfying bond. He says: "I looked into alternative relationships and found a small amount of research on successful couples. I read a wider cross section of literature and slowly I found an effective treatment programme." So here it is, the seven steps to putting the passion back in to your relationship.
Step One: Understanding Love
A close look at the stages of love from the first heady can't-think-of-anything-else-but-you phase to the one identified as loving attachment. This is the most important as it's the most enduring. When one person feels taken for granted in this phase of a relationship cracks may begin to appear and the relationship can move in to affectionate regard. This is where one partner feels they are no longer IN love. This step looks at how to encourage loving attachment and what happens in a relationship at the early stages in order to better understand the nature of lurve.
Step Two: Argue
It is necessary for solving the inevitable conflicts between two people in a loving relationship and can be fruitful, healing and productive. Among the reasons that prevent couples arguing are perfectionism, wanting to appear to have a perfect marriage; protecting the children although this backfires as they then don't learn any conflict resolution skills and a fear of it getting out of control and irreparably damaging the relationship. However avoiding anger can cause greater problems. This step looks at how to argue, what happens to our anger when it goes unexpressed and the signs that tell you an argument is due.
Step Three: Target
When we fall in love we assume our partner has the exact same take on romance as we do but after the honeymoon period it's clear that some couples speak a different language. This leads to one or both feeling unloved. Better communication comes from better targeting. Instead of trying everything to make them happy, target their most important needs. This step looks at the five categories for showing you care, paraphrased as Love Languages, taking in the fact that 90% of communication happens without words.
Step Four: Play
There's not much fun to be had in a troubled relationship but to be truly close it's important to reconnect with playing. Couples become friends as opposed to lovers through a lack of intimacy. Not just the sexual kind but also through being vulnerable with each other and having physical closeness. Boredom is an issue that may indicate lack of intimacy and more playing is the answer. Pleasure is at the heart of real intimacy and this step looks at how to boost that.
Step Five: Take Responsibility
When you point your finger at your partner, there are three fingers pointing back at you. In other words it's easier to blame someone else rather then look at what we're doing. This also traps you in to waiting for, or expecting, your partner to change. Similarly too much compromise due to a passionate intention of having a happy relationship leads to an individual losing their identity. The question -'does loving you mean losing me?' is looked at more closely as well as how we deal with our differences.
Step Six: Giving
The smallest gestures, when done with a generous and open heart, can make a huge difference to a relationship in crisis. Although both parties have to be on board to improve a relationship it only takes one person to start the process and to create a virtuous circle. All troubled relationships have a tipping point and this step looks at when this might have occurred, why it occurred and what to do about it.
Step Seven: Learning
For a relationship to be successful it must continue to grow, staying where you are is not good enough. Learning provides the edge that keeps a relationship fresh and ensures nothing is taken for granted. There are six good habits for a happy relationship. 1 Investing time in each other. 2 Laughing together. 3 Using actions as well as words to show you care. 4 Taking risks together instead of playing safe all the time. 5 Giving each other space to grow independently. 6 Compromise as opposed to compliance; studies have shown how couples resolve their differences determines how successful the relationship will be.
Further information www.andrewgmarshall