Partying
THERE is something about walking into a room full of strangers that makes it a defining moment. Either you are someone who enjoys having all eyes on you, feeling confident in the way your cloths compliment your image, you carry an air of unaffected charm whilst surveying the room with warmest anticipation. Or you’re like the rest of us who wither under what appears to be the glare of the enemy, certain everybody can look through you and see your underwear and you feel like the chubby kid in the school changing room. Fear not the party season because help is at hand. The dreaded Christmas social need not get knickers knotted as there are some ready made tips on how to cope which are as essential to the party goer as M&S canapés is to your hostess.
To start with make sure you are comfortable in your cloths, they are clean and well pressed and fit you properly. This may sound like a no brainer, but how often have you stepped out of the shadowy darkness of the front porch into the full glare of a 100 watt hallway to discover a run in the tights, a stain you missed on your trouser leg or that your skirt has hitched up under your coat. Being well prepared is being well dressed, check your clothes before you put them on to be sure. When it comes to dressing up top model Jude Nabney of 1st Option agency says current trends are all about glamour. She recommends using cream under your lipstick to give lips a glossy look for the party perfect pout and she says, “Dressing down is so last decade. The looks now are high class and vintage. If you can get a vintage gown you know it will be a one off piece and no else will be wearing it. Remember to wear super duper heels, the higher they are the better you’ll feel.”
But if pre-party nerves do strike and you panic that no one will notice you and you’ll be tongued tied and plague like, take some deep breaths and knock out the negative thinking. Life coach, Dennis Wheelan, says it is common for some people to feel unconfident before a social gathering but it doesn’t need to spoil the occasion for you. “Replace these thoughts with a positive mantra, confidence is all in the mind. Try saying, ‘I am good enough for anyone and I have a lot to offer’. And be prepared to listen, you don’t have to dazzle with sparkling conversation for people to find you interesting. Many people appreciate an attentive listener too. Remember, the purpose of a party is to get people together, that’s all. Don’t assume you won’t be like or talked to.”
Many nervous guests will arrive late for a party thinking it is the best policy but you are far better off to get there early before the room fills up with people you don’t know. That way the hostess can quietly introduce you to someone else who you can chat to. Later they’ll introduce you to their friends as they arrive and, unless you know absolutely no one there, you can also introduce them to yours. That way conversation will spring up around you and other people are always drawn to chatty corners.
Niall Quinn’s wife, Gillian, no stranger to Ireland’s social scene, says it is important to make an effort when a friend has invited you to their party. “Whenever I'm invited to a party, I feel duty bound to the host to make an extra effort to speak to as many people as possible. I like to dance when the opportunity arises and above all enjoy myself and have fun.” After all that is what your host would want, they know their party is a success if everybody has enjoyed themselves. Gillian says, “I think there's nothing worse for a host of a party than to have some unsociable poopers who just keep themselves to themselves and don't get involved.”
But how do we become that social butterfly who moves like osmosis between one social swirl and another? Common ground and compliments, says Catherine Blyth, author of The Art of Conversation. “The best introductions contain a thread of common ground, for example, ‘Mark this is Chris, also a huge rugby fan’. Or ‘Tara meet Grace, she loved those mince pies you brought.’ This lays a foundation that can be built on.” However, appropriate use of compliments can also put someone at ease, says Catherine but shouldn’t be too sugar coated or too personal. “There is a fine line between flattery and causing someone embarrassment. If your compliment is too elaborate the recipient knows it is improbable and you’ll make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes the best form of flattery is to agree with someone, subtle nodding and enthusiastic, ‘exactly’ will set them at ease.”
Blyth offers some tips to enhance connections with others. She says there are four steps in building conversational bonds with other people. Firstly the pleasantries, ‘Hi, I’m Jake, how are you?’ Next, trade information, ‘I’ve known the host, Pete for months, we worked together, what brings you here?’ Thirdly trade an opinion, ‘what do you think of this music?’, and finally trade feelings, ‘yes I hate it too’. She also recommends light touching, such as cupping an elbow to draw someone into the conversation or a light tap on the forearm when you are agreeing or making a point of something.
Setting other people at their ease is the key to feeling comfortable yourself, says my friend and former Relate councillor Fran Creffield. “I used to feel very nervous before going out to parties and think that nobody would like me, but then someone pointed out to me that everybody feels that way to some extent. Everybody wants to feel liked and appreciated so now I think about how I can make the other person feel comfortable which takes the focus off my nerves.” The key to being interesting is being interested in the other person, she says. “Drawing them out will make them feel appreciated and you don’t need to feel exposed until you’re comfortable with them.”
At the heart of us all is a sociable creature who needs other people and our souls cry out to make connections. Some anxiety may be normal but when we step aside of judgement of ourselves and others and enter the room with an open mind, ready to engage with everyone, we are sure to connect with people. We’ll then experience that warm fuzzy feeling that comes from a shared kinship not just from the rather fruity punch that somebody added 40% proof vodka to.
And if you find yourself cornered by the room bore who is intent on killing you with bone freezing trivia, try to move the conversation along by offering information about yourself. Some personal but quirky anecdote such as ‘I’m never organised at this time of year, I leave it all to the last minute,’ shows our vulnerability but also draws people closer. You could also ask leading questions that might help you find some common ground such as, ‘what are your plans for the weekend?’ If all else fails tell them you’ve just seen Father Christmas entering in disguise and you must slip away to ask about your Christmas list.
“People warm to warm people,” says Fiona Roche of Lillies Bordello nightclub in Dublin. “It might sound simple and straight forward but just to enter the room with a big smile helps.” Lillies is famous for its welcoming atmosphere which Fiona says anyone can create at home. “We use a lot of warm colours like red velvet and glittering chandeliers to create a glamorous look. Using candles and colourful throws will help create the same atmosphere at your own party.” And what about the music? Brian Corish, resident DJ in Cork’s Havana Browns says you cannot be too cheesy with Christmas songs this time of year. “Tunes such as Eartha Kitt’s Santa Baby and Brenda Lee’s Rockin’ around the Christmas Tree are guaranteed to get people up and dancing around. Wham! singing Last Christmas is a must and is usually responsible for starting a brief, drunken office romance and of course no Christmas party is complete without the a full rendition of The Pouges and Kirsty McColl’s Fairytale of New York with everyone singing along drunkenly.
Nightclub entrepreneurs in the UK recommend playing games as an ice breaker and a way to engage your guests. Amy Sacco, owner of the hippest club of the moment, Bungalow 8, says playing games is fun, it gets people up and about and interacting. She recommends the DVD game Scene It. Pablo Flack and David Waddington, owners of cult restaurant Flash in London, once famously wrapped up their premises as a Christmas present and hired a special effects company to cover it in snow another year. They say that bingo with tongue-in-cheek prizes is always a hit or try a treasure hunt with cheap but funny prizes buried in the garden or hidden around the house.
That’s music, dressing, chatting and playing all covered. The rest is up to you, we can lead a horse to water but we can’t make him dance. If you feel insecure remember what Nelson Mandela said in his 1994 inaugural speech, and I’m paraphrasing, ‘You are a child of god, go forth and let your light shine, as you liberate yourself from fear you automatically liberate others’. Go shine and have a good time, Merry Christmas.