Self Help that Works
SOME of us make self development in to a personal crusade. We can spend a lifetime looking at ourselves and striving to be the best we can, and there's really nothing wrong with that. Except, perhaps it implies that we will be better sometime in the future which negates finding peace and happiness within ourselves now. Finding complete acceptance of ourselves in this moment is the premise of the Two Space Workshop I recently attended. I've tried all the usual books from The Secret to Feel The Fear via Women Who Love Too Much and the Road Less Travelled and at the end of it all I can still question everything and sometimes still feel blue or confused and wonder what it is all about.
In search of more answers I turn up at 10 am for day one of the Two Space Workshop in a church hall just outside Brighton. I am told on arrival that there are no answers, this course is not about 'getting anywhere', it is about accepting exactly where you are, which in itself empowers you to move on. Matt Ingrams, the facilitator explains. "It's called Two Space because we are always either in a place of resistance or a place of acceptance, these are the only two spaces we can be in. If we are unhappy about ourselves or something in our lives, we must first accept it as it is. Once you can do that, then there may be some movement." According to Matt, reducing resistance helps to free our minds as well as our bodies.
We begin by introducing ourselves and saying what we do. In our small group there is an actor, a travel writer, therapist and housewife among other occupations. Then we are asked, 'how did it feel to do that?' If you have a problem with speaking about feelings, this course could be a challenge for you. I found it hard to express my feelings. Matt explained the purpose of the exercise, 'When we speak about what we do, it is such a common, but mundane question. When we speak about how we feel, we connect to each other. It brings communication to another level.'
This is not just a tree huggers workshop, which I had suspected it might be. I was stunned to learn the extent to which my past still influenced me today. I've had years of counselling, yoga and personal development and yet my childhood experiences are still in the driving seat. Matt says the objective here is not to delve about in ones past to find the exact memory which triggers our responses today but to find a way, through practical exercises, to acknowledge the feelings which can then just melt away.
I learnt how to notice how my feelings are stored in the body and how my body responds to stress. We learn to soften the belly, as resistance is often felt through the stomach, and to breathe into feeling relaxed. One of the exercises brought about a powerful response in me. We're asked to list three things we do not want. High on my list is- 'I do not want to keep arguing with my teenage son.' His hormones and my temper are constantly colliding at home making us both unhappy.
I focus on this and work in a pair with Maria* who is very calm and experienced, having done a lot of courses like this before. As I breathe into this statement the tragedy of our pointless rows really hits me and I feel tearful. Maria is brilliant working with me on this. Using visualisation I go back, deep into the feeling. I imagine myself being really, really small, tiny in fact. I'm isolated, alone, deserted. This is how I felt as a child and the memory hits me forcefully and I feel a sob coming up from my very soul. I realise it is from this place, where I feel so small that I scream at him. I'm doing it because I never felt heard as a child. I'm still shouting from there and I feel it all the way up my spine. Maria helps through this and the ache in my back releases as we come to the end of this exercise.
I'm a little shocked by it. I hadn't expected that, but it makes perfect sense. There were other exercises that brought other realisations for me just as revealing as this one although none that made cry in the same way, thankfully. Everybody will have their own individual journey and Matt is very clear that no-one has to participate if they don't feel ready. One lovely man on the course spent most of his time as a witness to other people's process and said that he still gained a lot from doing just that.
Has it brought about any change in me? Definitely yes, even if it is just to notice resistance in my body to what is going on and how to handle that. The opportunity to put to the test what I had learnt about me and my son came quite soon afterwards when his mobile phone bill arrived. It was hideously over his agreement plan and it was clear to me that I had to take his phone away. Could we resolve this without it erupting into a screaming match? Intellectually I knew shouting was optional and objectionable and yet like Pavlov's dogs I couldn't stop this response.
But I felt calm and in control as we discussed it. This had a knock on effect resulting in me getting a heart felt apology from him. I don't know if we'll never row again but I do now know where the behaviour came from and I think you have to be able to do that before you ever find a way to change it. Instead of a terrified child within me pretending to be a mother I've stepped into the woman within me to become a better parent.
This course will not solve all our problems in a weekend but it does help to gain a better insight into yourself and I'm not sure we can ask for more then that in life.
*Name change for anonymity
For the next workshop or further details see www.2spacecoaching.com
Or tel: 07915092562